i'm always amazed that so much could be happening on the inside while absolutely nothing is going on externally...in these last few days i've been through the mill and then out again...
it started after the scan...oh yes i remember it well...i was complaining to mitchell that i was lonely and bored and felt hopeless. he got annoyed and asked why i don't call my friends. i said i didn't feel well enough to go out, and having people over when i'm sick and in my pajamas was not my idea of fun. he said something about not being able to take on all of this by himself. the conversation wasn't going well. i tried to explain why my misery doesn't want company but he wasn't getting it...suffice it to say, we ended up in opposite corners of the house. we weren't talking and i felt more alone.
i went to sleep feeling at a loss of what to do about everything. i kept thinking that since nothing's getting better, it's time to plan an exit strategy. i felt strength in that planning, as if i was pushing back against a bully, even if it meant getting beaten up.
the next morning i told mitchell my thoughts, and he wasn't buying any of it...he said it was way too soon and he'd let me know when i could go...i felt anger at him, and everything, and a real sense of hopelessness at my situation.
later on in the day, for some reason i googled "buddhism and suicide" to see if it was okay if the person was going to die anyway...(i'm not a buddhist but i have a great respect for their opinions on spiritual matters)...anyway, what i read really did a number on me. basically, in buddhism, suicide doesn't end suffering, it just transports you to a new suffering...oy...i hated hearing that...damn it...but it affected me enough to rethink the plan - at least for now...
i do see the wisdom in trying to make the best of our lives, no matter what the circumstances.
when anjuli was here for our session i did my usual talking while she listened and did healing techniques on me. i told her about my fight with mitchell. she asked me to explore why i don't call on my friends when i'm not feeling well. i said that i didn't feel comfortable not "entertaining"... i felt like i had to do something or give something in order to be with others...she was rubbing my feet while we spoke and i realized that i just wanted her to rub my feet and i didn't want to talk anymore...a short time later i found myself wondering about her life and i asked her to tell me a little about it. i could relax and be present while listening...i thought perhaps i could do the same with my friends even when i wasn't up for talking. i don't have many massage type peeps but all of my friends are kind and compassionate and probably wouldn't mind just sitting with me even when i don't feel well, even in my pajamas.
an hour later toby called. i told her all of this, and she said that she'd be happy to be with me, even if she was just reading and i was sleeping...the timing of her call and her words moved me.
although yesterday was a bad day physically, it ended up okay. for most of the hours everything hurt and nothing seemed to make it better. by eleven last night i realized that there was no way that i could go to the world series of poker. i was hanging on to the idea because i wanted to do something exciting, but it really wasn't right for now. i sent the email to get my money back, called the airplane insurers (16 pages of documents for just a small refund), and cancelled the hotel reservation. i felt immediate relief in not having to travel...and then my body started feeling better...i fell asleep after taking only one half of the xanyx.
i dreamed i was in the hospital waiting for my mri. the nurse said it would take 30 hours and i started really feeling like i didn't want to wait. i left the hospital without telling anyone, called mitchell and asked him to meet me at my favorite restaurant.
when i woke up this morning i decided to change the time and day of the brain scan. it felt really goulish to go into the city at night, the only time they had available. i called a few times today and finally got a time that didn't feel so creepy.
i got an email from muggy when he heard that i wasn't going to las vegas. he invited me to the cabin for a few days and i'm going...the heck with saying no...
i spent the afternoon with charlie just walking and talking...yesterday i couldn't have imagined that today i would feel so much more ease... merely a one aspirin day...this evening, gary, mitchell's old friend, came over. he's an emergency room nurse at my hospital, and one of the funniest guys i've ever met. we sat outside drinking lemonade and got chinese to go...what a pleasure...today was like summer, more light, less darkness...
there will be days that are really hard, i know that... but i hope i can remember that sometimes the day after will be better... sometimes, like today...