this month has been a doozy. maybe you've noticed i've been posting less, hiding more, not returning phone calls, and generally not living even remotely near my higher potential...frankly, i've just been hoping for the variety of storms to pass so i can go out again...last night i realized that these kind of storms don't just pass, they thrive until you work them out, or through...
i can blame a big dose of it on the physical portion of my reality, which is definitely on the downhill slide...oh lord, if i could exercise, that could exorcise some of this muck inside...
i'm carrying way more resentment, hurt and worry than usual, and it's oozing out everywhere...mitchell takes the brunt, because he's the only one i can't avoid seeing...in a somewhat sane conversation yesterday he told me that he's never seen me this bad. that really shook me up. i knew i wasn't in a good space, but worse than ever? holy-moly, i better get a grip...i really don't want to continue on this path...and i sure don't want to alienate him anymore...or the few of you who still read my words...by the way, i'm sorry for being such a drag lately...that's not how i envisioned all this...
i've always been enamoured by the notion of a happy ending. it's part of my tragic/romantic nature. no matter what the reality is, i find myself hoping against hope that things can unfold in the best way...that people will change for the better, or situations will work out, love will conquer all, you get the basic drift...but i have come face to face with reality (damn it)... things don't necessarily end happily... okay, i am starting to accept that...now i just need to get it back into my head and heart that it's not just about how things end...
i remember going back to visit my family years ago. i hadn't been to new jersey in a long time, and i had this ideal image of how it would be when i walked in the door...there was a song on the radio at the time called "when josie comes home", and in my little delusion, people would hear that song and think about me, and how happy they'd be to see me again...when i walked into the living room of my parent's house, my father didn't even look up. he told me to wait until the commercial before he could say hello...that was much closer to the reality with my family than the happy reunion scenario i imagined.
with the terminal diagnosis, i also imagined a happy(ish) ending...not physically, but spiritually...a love fest really, full of forgiveness, sweetness, and joy at having been here and connected with all the peeps...perhaps if things happened quicker, it would've been more satisfying for everyone...but i've stuck around for much longer than i thought...long enough for history to repeat itself. so lately, there is more disconnection and disappointments than i'd ever expected...
last night i told mitchell that i want to just let it go, all the resentments and hurt...i want to forgive and get on with my life (or whatever), but i don't really know how to handle the various situations in the best manner...he said he wished i had some holy person to consult with, someone who knew the deeper answers to my questions...neither of us could think of anyone to call...
this morning, as i was taking in the recycle bin from the front of the house, there was a wild turkey standing right there in front of me...i was pretty shocked, given that it doesn't belong down here...it seemed lost and all alone...i imagined it was hungry (i always imagine everything is hungry) so i ran in and broke off some bread to feed it...later i googled wild turkeys and found out that they are actually pretty resilient, and have even been known to make it through blizzards all on their own...i choose to find meaning in that...
proof of the wild turkey as well as my absolute ineptitude in picture taking...
