it's a very odd time for me. people are coming over for hellos and goodbyes, and i feel grateful and loved, but i also feel really lousy. the way i've been describing it is as if i'm wearing a really itchy sweater that i can't wait to take off...i was always body sensitive and anything itchy or uncomfortable drove me nuts...i'm all about cotton...
i hope you don't mind if i share a graphic moment...last night i started coughing which turned into gagging, (nausea 24/7) which then totally hurt my already hurting neck...mitchell came into the room, and i told him that i couldn't take much more of this. he, like everyone else, thinks i just need to take more drugs...float into death. i, being the me i still am, keeps putting that off - not the death part, just the taking drugs part. i feel like the cost comes in other ways, side effects that i'm reluctant to experience...
after that fiasco i was gonna take my usual xanax pill before sleep (i reluctantly allowed that to be a regular part of my routine)... but i couldn't find the pill bottle. mitchell told me to take a valium instead, but i only wanted the xanax...i heard myself say "i need my xanyx" and then it hit me, and i laughed to realize that i am addicted. i didn't want anything but that...and i wasn't gonna rest until i found my little helpers...eventually they showed up and all was well...well not really well, all was not as bad.
the thought of complaining and moaning for the rest of my days is not a good one. i'd sure to love to leave on a upbeat note, but is that even possible... i called hospice and they're coming over for the admittance meeting on monday. i guess i have to let go and take my slow boat to china...
my choice would be to avoid the whole thing and go quickly, because i'm basically a coward and don't want to experience the myriad of ways cancer devastates day by day...but at this point i'm going to try it the other way, the way most hospice people go. my mother is coming and i feel like i need to hang in there until then.
it's very heart warming to know how many people want to see me, the calls, the offerings, the sweet emails full of wishes and love... and i want to say thank you again...i'm very blessed in so many ways...
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