the girl with kaleidoscope eyes...

that is what i'm seeing these days in my peripheral vision - kaleidoscope lights. probably brain stuff, but we'll never know for sure because i'm no longer getting scans. it doesn't last long when it happens.  i just go get an aspirin and wait it out. 

i drove myself into sf for my last blood test. i wanted to say goodbye to the woman who always gets my vein the first time.  when i told her i wasn't going to come anymore because i was going on hospice, she said, in her russian accent, "what they gonna do for you in hospice"  i said "they're gonna help me die", and she said, "can't you try something alternative, i heard about people chanting at harbin hot springs for 3 days straight and then the man's cancer went away, you should call them"...she was very cute and she had tears in her eyes when we hugged goodbye. by the time i got home, i was beyond zonked.

there were a lot of phone messages, but i couldn't call anyone back. i just laid on the bed. eventually i picked up the phone for lanie, because i hadn't called her back in too many days.  by the time we finished talking, i had one major cry and a couple of important realizations...like the fact that it is extremely hard for me to be vulnerable, to ask for help if i can't give anything back...(mitchell not included in that statement)...she pointed out that my work now is to learn to do that, to accept help because i need help.  i complained that i didn't want to have to learn anything else, and that i was too tired to still grow...but i knew, even when fighting her, that she was right...that is one area of myself i can still work on...

i was hungry after that, but nothing appealed to me...then the urge came...the intense desire for a cheeseburger and fries.  i hinted to mitchell, but he didn't pick up on it, and then i just asked him outright to go to cafe rouge, (organic meat) and get me what i wanted.  i turned on the oprah life class called "joy rising" hoping to zone out, although in retrospect that wasn't the best zoning out show...judge judy would've done it.

i consider it particularly good timing to have oprah back on a daily basis, but a lot of what she's talking about is how to change your life... not as relevant for me these days. while i was eating my cheeseburger i watched her favorite "joy rising" moments. oprah was as excited as the people who were having their wishes fulfilled, and i was feeling the joy right through the television set.  it reminded me of a study michael once told me about.  

when someone is getting an authentic heart felt compliment, there's something (which was either endorphins or something similar) that occurs inside that person... and the one giving the compliment receives that same thing...and here's the kicker, a person who happens to be nearby, hearing it, also gets the benefits of that heart felt expression.  i always loved that study, and i saw it in action while i was watching the joy rising show. 

these days when i look at a magazine, there seems to be very little relevance for me. no diet or beauty tricks needed, no products to buy, no money to save, no hints from the experts...what i want most now cannot be bought or given. it kind of cuts things down to the basics, love, kindness, friendship, compassion...there's something freeing in that...

both frank and mair came over today.  we had our share of laughter, tears, memorial plans, including the jobs they are assigned, and as usual, many jokes based on mitchell...and most importantly, the genuine ease of friendship.

they laughed when i told them that mitchell actually wanted me to take some ritalin and go play poker.  i wasn't up for it though...it's the kind of thing that makes us both laugh and cry...the times they are a changed. 

 

Comments

[Michelle]

thinking of you Wave.

[Jada]

Another poem inspired by you Wave. Thank you for your unending wisdom.

[Skip]

Mitchell -

One of the speakers at the memorial spoke of Wave's World in which Wave recorded an account of her experiences and contemplations particular to her situation as witness to the approach of the end of her life.

Chris had mentioned to me that he was reading Wave's World some months ago and I filed the information into the abyss of my thoughts as a 'to do' and lost it there.
After the memorial I located Wave's World and read portions of it.

I didn't know Wave other than as a significant person in your life and as a part of the Martin's community.

I knew that she was posed with the burden of the struggle to make sense of realities which most people are spared of time and 'necessity' to consider; we reserve such thoughts 'til later', as though we may never need face this most universal of all realities ourselves - it only happens to others.

Wave's World is how I've come to know Wave as a person, on a level far deeper than would be usual in 'social conversation' or topical discussion.

I have also come to know you on a deeper level than is afforded in our banter about your culinary preference to include frozen potato chips as an ingredient to potato soup.

I'm reminded of Ernest Becker who, posed with a burden similar to Wave's, sought the meanings and motivations of humans bereft of the pretentions and logical conclusions which naturally attend academic inquiry and research. Becker 'fought cancer' for some 15 years, I hear, and 'crossed over' at 49 years. He died before realizing the acclaim that Denial of Death would receive.

Although too numerous to mention, the likes of Stanley Milgram, Camus, and others beyond my nominal recall set their thoughts to writing and gifted us with an enduring legacy perhaps in the light of their awareness of the time limitation imposed by their physical situation. Many did not reach 50 years of age, but they speak to us still in their writings.

Wave challenged me to observe my instinctual recoil and distancing from a person who I could not help, and my defence of constructive 'not knowing' about that which exceeds my ability to change. She did so in a way which did not require me to answer her directly admitting my helplessness. She gave me an 'out'; I could redirect my thoughts to other things when I became overwhelmed.

I'm thankful that Wave recorded her thoughts as she did. I would not have known her otherwise, and I have been given an opportunity to know myself better due to her influence.

At the memorial, I sat with Russell. He lost his beloved to cancer, and has, over the years lost all of his siblings to natural causes which have not taken him. He is now alone.
I saw perhaps the majority of the Martin's Community who have been touched by the loss of a loved one and have been humbled by realities wrought by that which surpasses all of human ambition and yet supports life nonetheless.

Perhaps the glass must remain half empty if it is to remain half full at all.

I remembered Barbara who infused Martin's with an enduring tradition of rememberance and respect for those who have crossed over and their continuing contribution to those yet to come.

Wave is of that tradition

Skip