deborah just left after a beautiful jin shin session with me. i don't know how i got so lucky to have her in my life. she's a mixture of psychiatrist, healer, and spiritual friend. right before she left i showed her the pictures claudia brought me last night.
the girls did their first presentation and claudia was kind enough to photograph and video it. my star student led the program and she said something about me before it began... it was a real tear jerker. we both couldn't grab tissues fast enough. and soon it was time for claudia to go...each goodbye hits me pretty hard.
i feel a sense of pride and gratitude that i served my purpose in this life. i was given the opportunity to connect with so many people throughout the years. i could've done better, especially with the closest ones, but overall i'm thinking, not too shabby.
i had a long talk with my oncologist. i wanted more information about the death process because she has plenty of experience. as she looked at my latest blood results and compared them to the ones before that, she asked me when my people were coming from back east.
that got me thinking of all the things i haven't completed, which includes words i want to say here...so even though this will not be my last post, i'm gonna say a few things while i'm sure i can.
a million thank yous for reading the words of my life these last years. it has been such a fine way to travel this road, knowing that i wasn't alone in my day to day angst, questions, hopes and musings. it was so very comforting.
oh, and a little business stuff...mitchell will keep this blog open for quite awhile after i'm gone. if you want to comment, or find out when the memorial is, you can check in sometimes. i don't have everyone's email so this would be one way to find out. you can also write mitchell at mitchellgillman@nycschoolcalendar.com with any questions, etc.
mitchell knows a journalist he respects and he asked him to read the blog for an opinion on whether or not it could become a book (with a good editor in charge). he thinks there may be one in here somewhere, so i'm going to meet him next week...and perhaps it will come to pass...
something came to my mind while i was laying next to mitchell last night, watching downton abbey (what a great show - perfect for these times)...
in the old days, i wanted to get married. i wanted a normal life, something opposite of the chaos i experienced as a kid. there were many times when i'd be with married couples and feel like i was less than them, because i didn't have that commitment, or that ring or that wedding...but last night, four words occurred to me...until death parts us...and i realized that i've had a true marriage all along. mitchell stood with me through every part of these last 7 years. there was nothing official to bind him. he could have gone...but he stayed.
i'm sure there'll be more to say, but i'm gonna stop for now, as there are more people coming in just a little while.
one more thing though...there is a song that i love, because it feels like it is the song of my soul. i can't hear it without crying, but i always thought i'd share it with you someday...and this is the day. it's called, "that i would be good"...with love, wave
Thank you for sharing your life with us, and for being courageous, not fearless, but courageous. (Something I'm learning to accept).
Posted by: Jada | October 20, 2011 at 10:58 AM
Thank you for all you share here, especially for your honesty. You are a gift!
the song is beautiful...
Posted by: Oak | October 20, 2011 at 02:25 PM
Wave - This song is great - thanks for sharing. It makes us very sad that this is all happening too fast. We want to come visit you - just us - let us know when you are up for a little visit. I do have a question for you - if your blog becomes a book and then becomes a movie, who will play you?
Posted by: Michelle | October 21, 2011 at 11:00 AM
xoxo - thank you again for your honesty, and sharp wit in writing, and this song of your soul to share openly - for your depth and spirit - for you are loved - a raw and rare gem -
Posted by: deb yee | October 21, 2011 at 07:48 PM
In case you were like me and couldn't quite understand all the lyrics, here they are:
"That I Would Be Good"
that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds
that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing
that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy
that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you
Posted by: Jane Underwood | November 13, 2011 at 07:15 AM