right before deborah rang the bell, mitchell called to see if i got in touch with the swedish woman we interviewed yesterday...i yelled at him that i didn't have the energy to do anything and then i hung up in the grouchy way that's becoming more and more of my personality. the woman we originally hired was supposed to show up at 11 yesterday. by 11:30 i called her and she was very laid back, "hey wave"...no apology for being late...i told her to forget about it. i need to depend on people now, so i'm glad it was obvious before she ever really started.
after a few other friend visitors left yesterday afternoon, we interviewed the swedish woman and she seemed okay. i tried to leave her a message, but she still hadn't set up her phone's answering service-although she said she would...not the best sign either. i just want the right person for the situation...
when deborah came all i did was kvetch about how long it was taking for me to die, and how uncomfortable i am. i've been complaining a lot about living because my quality of life has plummeted. she listened, offered her sage, not pushy advice, and then she prepared my baked potato perfectly, like a mother would.
chris came and deborah left. he did everything i needed, including listening for whatever complaining i hadn't completed with deborah...i'm always going back and forth about the dying dilemenna...if you read this regularly, you know what that is...
chris took out the garbage, washed my sheets, asked questions of the hospice nurse, hung up my oxygen tank in the best spot, and laid on the bed with me while we watched "waking ned devine" one of my favorite movies. i love a happy ending...and now he's in the other room giving me space to rest, but since i never nap, i'm writing.
i texted mitchell at the soup kitchen to say i was sorry. he responded that it wasn't his fault that i'm still alive. tru dat...i'm such a strong willed pain in the butt...i still haven't surrendered to the fact that the only thing that will "comfort" my body is lots and lots of drugs...i'm assuming that's what hospice means by "comfort care"... i took some anti nausea liquid when the nurse was here, and pretty soon i'm gonna take another dose. i'm even gonna pop a valium tonight. partay...
i've seen more friends over the past few days, but i realize that i can't see everyone. and i can't see most people more than once. you'd think the fact that i'm just lying here 24/7 would make me available, but phone calls and visits actually take a lot out of me...it's easier to write, and i just have to allow myself to say no...which is sort of difficult for me...
more stuff to work on...geez...
Hi wave. I tried to help my husband let go. It was so hard. He did not want to die. He was conscious till the end. He saw them taking out wires and iv's and was saying. They are trying to kill me. Stop them! I had to allow him to leave us along with his pain. I will forward bills essay if I can figure out how. I am no Steve jobs. I think the next episode may prove to be beyond your wildest dreams. All the best Eileen ban non
Posted by: Eileen bannon | October 25, 2011 at 09:01 PM
Wave - what a day! Mitchell is funny and so are you. I know you are in a lot of pain - and it's a lonely place to be. I wish there was something I knew to do that could ease your dilema. Things will come together as the way they are meant to be with little effort. You know you are loved and being on meds that make you feel weird plays a number on your body (ANXIETY) and no strength - you must want out of your skin. I'd take more morphine and stay on it so you don't go through withdrawals. I have no idea if this is good advice but my feeling is you are edgy for the most obvious reason and taking the heavy duty drugs makes it worse. When's a good day to come for a quick love fest?
Posted by: Michelle | October 25, 2011 at 10:53 PM
Always thinking of you Wave.
Posted by: Jada | October 26, 2011 at 08:01 AM