love, love, love...

i knew that the scan would be what it was. i can feel my body losing its vitality more and more each day. i have a low grade fever all the time, and i can't wait to get back into the bed when i'm out of it...i set up the sofabed in the "living" room, mostly because i like that name, the living room...

i heard mitchell come home from work today and he was talking to someone in the backyard...i thought, "shoot, i don't want to see anyone, i'm in bed in my pajamas and i barely even combed my hair,  and it's only 2 in the afternoon, how embarrassing"...he came in saying "beverly g.,  jim's here". i was annoyed but there was nothing i could do and no time to yell at him for bringing someone home without giving me notice.

jim came in and sat on the bed and we ended up having a lovely and deep talk. as we spoke, i just settled in, head on my pillow, and connected with him.  i realized that he didn't give a hoot about how i looked or anything like that.  he was just happy to be hanging out talking to me.  in general, i'm a good person to talk to (or so i've heard)... during that talk, i felt my answer come about whether or not to continue trying to treat the cancer.

then, minutes after he left, the call came.  my cancer has worsened significantly. there are numerous lesions in my liver, new ones in my chest, and my bones have gotten worse. i could feel in my body that this was all true,  so i wasn't surprised.  i was sad, but not surprised.  i told mitchell and we cried a little bit. he understands my decision to stop treating the cancer,  to live until i die.  

then i began making  phone calls...first to my mother, who was with my brother george. i felt bad to bring more sad news to my family.  i always wished i could bring happiness...i'm not going to be able to do that...

i wrote to my oncologist and asked for her best guestimate of how long i may have, based on my markers, blood work and yesterday's scan.  i told her i wouldn't hold her to it, but i want to have some idea...there are people who want to visit me.  she wrote back such a sweet letter.  her estimate was less than 3 months, but of course she said it could be shorter or longer, depending on how everything in my particular body goes.  she thought it was a good idea to have people see me while i'm still able to be up and around.  she suggested i get in touch with hospice and that i come in for the occasional blood work to give me a better idea...and then she said that she thought i was couragous and had great respect for me...that really touched my heart.  

so that's the latest, my friends... i know i've been a drama queen before, but you ain't seen nothin yet (only joking, i hope)...my goal is to finish out the four days of presentations i have set up in october with the girls.  i hope to live as long as i can, as long as i'm not too uncomfortable... and i hope to connect with as many of my wonderful peeps that i can before i have to go.  

i'll keep you all up to date and i'm sending out my love to every one of you right now...

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[Debora]

I love you.