as you know, i've been going back and forth about whether to stop treatments or try somthing new. i've gotten good and kind advice from others with stage 4 cancer. i've talked with friends who remind me to tune in to my deeper self, not just my fearful, neurotic mind...i've tried to pay attention to my dreams...i've thrown the i ching...but honestly, i still don't feel comfortable about any of it.
i've considered getting a port, but i have a terrible aversion to it. i would need it for the chemo that lets me keep my hair...why do i care so much about my hair, especially since i've complained about it all my life, who the heck knows...and when frank mentioned having oxygen, i said, "no way am i walking around with that thing in my nose"...he said "oh it's vanity", but i didn't think of it that way... i would say more insecurity than vanity...maybe its all the same in the long run. anyway, as frank says, he's partial because he has a horse in this race...and let me reiterate...if i could be cured i'd totally go bald with oxygen things in my nose and a port near my heart...
i can feel my cancer getting worse. there are new areas that call out to me in the night, like my left arm, and my throat when i swallow...my body is a plundered land...
but given the time of the year, i've been thinking about 9/11 and all the people who died or lost someone in a moment without any notice or goodbye, and i know i'm fortunate to even have the time to think about all this.
i've been re-reading an article in the buddhist magazine about preparing for death. what i read helps relieve my fears, and for a minute i can relax into my situation...when i clench up with anxiety and worry, i try to remember that no one can avoid the end of life...it comes with the territory.
if i tried other drugs, stop gap measures could work for a time, with a cost, and eventually i will be here again. there is some comfort in knowing that i can change my mind at any time... i cannot change my body, however. this is my particular cross to bear.
i was telling a lot of this to mitchell and he said that if this is my decision, i need to start psychologically and spiritually preparing for death. i asked him what he meant, like what else am i supposed to do to prepare. he said i could make amends. i asked "to who"...and he gave me that look. if you know mitchell or know him through this blog, you know the look. its the blaming one, the one that's only half joking. it's the "look what you've done to me" look...the one he gives me after he says he might have an ulcer...or when i ask him why he didn't sleep well...
i laughed and said, "i don't have to make amends to you, but i do need to write some letters to a few peeps"... he said "what about my letter?", and i said, "you don't need a letter, my whole blog is an homage to you and our relationship"...then he didn't say anything else...
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