3 questions...

i wanted to make use of my morning energy and get out of the house today. there's stuff to take care of. as i got ready to walk out the door, i felt faint, so i came back to bed and started this post until i get a burst of energy again.

these days, even the thought of ironing my clothes tires me, so i have on the usual uniform of black pj's. i've now officially lost 15 pounds (without trying)...oh for the days that would have been a reason to celebrate...the errands were simple, including buying some more of the uniform in a less big size, and gettng this nail polish off my toes.  i was either gonna get another pedicure or just let my toes be, as they've mostly been.  i'm not one for mani-pedis, but once you have one, its almost just as easy to have another one. and the thought of having my feet rubbed seemed good.

it's been a very heavy time around here.  when mitchell came home yesterday and heard that i hadn't moved from the bed because i was so uncomfortable, he started crying, which made me start crying and then we were both saying, "i'm sorry", but not because we did anything wrong, just because we felt bad for each other...i'm not in pain, per se, i'm just totally uncomfortable in my body. there's aches and nausea and more than anything fatigue.  i told him that i didn't want any visitors,  and that i've been thinking that i didn't want to stick around for much more of this experience.  it feels like when i've been somewhere away from home and there's a big drive ahead, once i know i'm gonna leave, i'd rather start the drive home and get it over with.  

so yesterday i was thinking that i wanted to leave asap, and each little symptom made me that more sure that i did,  but when mitchell came home from yoga he sat down and told me what he felt...he said that even though this is a very uncomfortable time in my body,  this time could be sweet, and that there are a lot of people who love me and want to say goodbye, and that i could just take pain meds and try to relax into it.  he knows that i'm a hostess at heart and that i won't be able to do that anymore, but he said that was okay, and that my people won't care if i get up and get them a drink or a snack...he said that i could learn something from just being...i said i'd give it a try for as long as i can, but i wanted the option if it gets to be too much, to leave the party earlier.  mitchell is very thoughtful about these kind of issues...he made himself a bloody mary, and we sat around watching television together.

earlier that evening, the phone rang from my mother's number, but it was matthew on the line.  after awhile he asked me how i feel.  i told him that the doctor said that i'm not going to be able to get better.  then we talked about death and his idea that we become animals and he requested i become a rabbit instead of a bird...i said i liked the idea of flying and then he told me all about how bats were once birds until someone told the bat that he was ugly...that gave us a chance to talk about people who make fun of other people's looks...he seems to really understand everything...

my mother and i talked for a long time after that, and i know how upset she is but she isn't pressuring me in any way, which i really appreciate.  she told me how proud she is of who i am.  that was really nice to hear.  i know she wants to visit, and  i tried to explain that right now, it feels like too much.  i don't know if i'll feel differently later, we'll see.  we did set up a family skype date for rosh hashona, and we'll talk much more often now.  

my sister in law, mitchell's sister, is setting up a calendar website, so that my friends can help me in different ways, being on call for whatever i need that the hospice people don't do. she's such a lovely human being, and i feel very confident in her taking care of it.  

my nurse is trying to deal with all of the insurance issues to get me started with hospice.  i'll let you all know how that goes.  i still don't know what to do about the four fridays that i have planned for the girls presentations.  there's no one else that can do it, but i'm not sure i can either.  i have to decide by the end of the day.  it would have been great to see them present what they've been practicing.

i've been going through my papers and the few journals i still have, and i found a folded paper that said "questions" on it.  i opened it and here is what it said, "3 questions for his holiness"

1.  can there ever be an end to the suffering of all animals?  since they cannot practice the teachings, how will they be free

2.  i am told that i have terminal cancer.  sometimes i am very afraid of what that means.  i once read that death is like taking off a tight shoe.  that has been very comforting.  does suffering end after death?

3.  is there music after this world, in the other realms.

i have no idea when i wrote that, but i sure hope the answer to all three are yes.

Comments

[Nerissa]

you are always always in my thoughts wave. i learn so much from you.

[lynnie]

Dear Wave, listen; you can leave when you want to. It is all of us who want you to stay, we are selfish. But you can do whatever is right for you. Mitchell is going to be the hardest hit; but he is going to be the hardest hit however you leave. We'll look after him as best we can. Don't feel that you have to do ANYTHING for us. Do this in your way, as you feel is right. I completely understand, and I'm sure all your friends do, even though some might have a hard time dealing with it. We love you. I love you. The important thing is that you are the most comfortable you can be in this most uncomfortable of all situations. And for heavens sake, don't worry about me visiting! If it feels right, then yes. If you are too tired and overwhelmed then no. It's all about you right now, please just melt into that. Love love love.