the night after the er was the worst i'd ever experienced. every movement and every stillness brought me pain. i "ouched" a hundred times. it only took one trip to the bathroom to realize that it was too difficult, even with a walker. i got so depressed. i asked mitchell to bring me a plastic container but he didn't bring me the one i wanted, and we ended up in a screaming match. i was yelling at him and then i started crying...and i didn't stop.
he was in the bedroom and i was in the living room. i couldn't really pee well into the plastic container because bending in any way hurt so much. i went from being afraid of dying to wanting to die. pain has its own reality.
a while later mitchell came out to see how i was doing and i told him that i decided a few things. i needed to hire someone to help me. i told him i wanted someone who will be nice and cook me healthy meals, and clean up around here. i said i didn't care what it costs, i just want everyday help until i can walk again.
i cried, and i prayed, but all the prayers felt empty. i didn't feel god, or tara, or medicine buddha anywhere. i just felt pain. around 4am mitchell brought me my computer and i wrote to the doctor and cc'd her main nurse. the subject line was "please help me". i told them that this was the worst pain and that the er had not found the reason for it.
around 6am mitchell told me i had to take a bigger dose of morphine, and i did. he made me some toast and i took the drug. i had my first 2 hour sleep in a long time. when i woke up, there was a message from the oncologist. she wanted to admit me to the hospital. it sounded like the best idea. mitchell called toby, who came right over. i wanted to take a bath before the hospital, but i was too weak. toby gave me a sponge bath. in all the years we've been friends, i never would have guessed she'd be sponge bathing me...it's weird how everything turns...she brought over a list of what i should bring to the hospital, and she packed my bag with all of it.
i called my mother, who offered to come, but i didn't want her to. even with good intentions, family adds to my stress. she cried and i felt bad, but i promised i'd always keep her up to date with my cancer. i really questioned whether i'd ever get out of that hospital. when my friend jane went in for a problem on a friday, she was dead by sunday...
a few hours later i was still here waiting for them to do the paperwork in order to admit me. the assistant wrote to say that if i was willing to take the narcotics i had in the doses they recommend, i didn't have to go to the hospital. they were worried about my pain. i agreed. if the pain got worse, i'd let them know. they also prescribed all kinds of things like miralax, which still hasn't worked...
the radiologists couldn't find the exact source of the problem, so they set me up for a special neuro mri next saturday...and then they'll radiate.
mitchell was more tender after our fight. he even brought me an "i am healthy" drink. he sent me a text from the restaurant, saying they should rename it "i am waiting too long"...he cooked me a healthy meal, and did everything i needed all day. toby came by later in the afternoon just to hang out and check on me. and then lois and her oldest daughter came and sat with me on my bed. it was very sweet. i received calls, and cards, emails, and prayers, all the stuff you get when people care about you.
the pain lessened last night so i only took more ibuprofen. i slept a long time. i have a cane next to me and i was able to get into the tub by myself this morning. the phone's been ringing off the hook and our friend charlie is gonna put a rail in next to my bedroom steps. everyone offers help...it is very reassuring.
so that's the update. i'm still standing, sort of...xoxo
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