last night i dreamed i had to drive over an ocean to get to an island. i saw how choppy the water was and i wondered if i could handle the ride. in one of my many get up and go to the bathroom breaks from sleeping, i made the decision that i'd listen to music during the procedure. i ended up choosing enya. in the old days, i played that cd over and over while i did yoga. i knew it lasted about the amount of time the cyberknife would last, so that seemed just about right. of course i worried that if i was in the middle of the treatment and the cd started skipping, it would drive me crazy. (those are the kinds of things my poor mind focuses on)...luckily, it turned out that the people doing the treatment were able to hear me and enya, so i was reassured.
as we were getting ready to drive into the city i got progressively nervous. i didn't freak out or anything, but i had butterflies in my stomach. i told mitchell i wanted to drive so that i'd feel in control of something.
as soon as we arrived i took the xanyx and they called me in. mitchell had to wait in the waiting room. he told me later that he felt really sad just sitting there. the two people doing the procedure were very considerate. the woman was already cutting another hole in the mask so that i wouldn't feel my pulse so intensely. the room was kind of cool looking. i took some pictures to show you all.
i was able to hold very still for that hour (i've gotten pretty good at holding still) but i was so relieved when it was over. laying straight for any length of time hurts my back. i was a bit shaky for a little while afterwards. when i heard enya sing the words "what pleased me the most is that you loved me still the same" i felt so much love for mitchell and i vowed to myself that when i completed this thing i was not going to complain and i was just going to hug him and tell him how much i love him...
i didn't quite do that, though. by the time it ended, i was doing my usual...we stopped for lunch, but as soon as we got home, both of us went right into bed and fell asleep. i never nap, but it zapped me (ha, i guess pun intended)...i'm still lying here, but i did get up for a short time and eat a bunch of kale (for my blood) and a big scoop of ice cream (for my mood).
we received so many well wishes for today. thank you everyone. i read that today's full moon is called the blessing moon, and i am aware of the blessing of still being here...
I'm still with you too Wave -sending soothing vibes and I loved what you said about Mitchell. :D
Posted by: deb yee | July 17, 2011 at 04:04 PM