when i saw the email that a woman i know was in the hospital, i felt that familiar uneasiness, like "there before the grace of god go i". she and i have emailed a few times, because we share some of the same views about chemo...she has lived with metastatic cancer longer than anyone i've ever known. her "case" is often sited in san francisco as a hopeful sign for the rest of us. i went into the office to tell mitchell and as i started talking, he said, "well, what do you expect, it's all gravy at this point". this is a familiar kind of response (very male from my perspective) and it bugs the hell out of me. i tried to stop him right then, attempting to use this as a teaching moment. i said, "mitchell, when i tell you that, i'm not asking for a response to the content, i'm asking that you to hear what i'm feeling about that"...he responded "you can't go into a conversation looking for a response."
i reminded him that today is the dalai lama's birthday and maybe he could honor him by practicing compassion. he told me not to worry about it, because he didn't need any training...so much for teaching his holiness (i mean mitchell)...
when i came home this afternoon, mitchell was taking a nap. i woke him up to show him my new haircut and as soon as he opened his eyes he said "oh my god", and it wasn't a good "oh my god"... i was thinking it was okay until then...very short but okay, but i'm not sure anymore...
last weekend mair and i went out to celebrate toby's birthday with her. it was clear that something had to be done with my hair. girlfriends tell you the truth. (as does mitchell, but girlfriends do it sweetly)... toby gave me the number of her stylist friend.
after lunch we went to the berkeley rep to see "let me down easy". it was a brilliant one woman show by anna deavere smith. she interviewed people in the world of medicine; doctors, patients, famous people with cancer, etc, and then she took their words verbatim, becoming each person on stage.
when she was being joel siegel, the film critic, (s)he talked about getting scans to see if his cancer was progressing. he said it was like being in school and there was a bully in the bathroom waiting to beat him up...he didn't want to, but he had to go to the bathroom...doesn't that say it all about scanxiety...each time i make it to the theater i promise myself i'll go more often.
i've been sitting next to mitchell as i write and i said, "what else has been going on around here"...he said, "tell them mitchell wants everyone to know he's been busting his hump because it's calendar season"...he said this between reading his book and checking on his scrabble games. but now you know...
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