the good in goodbye...

i forgot to tell you that i did go for that bone treatment (xgeva) a few weeks ago.  i was nervous but i figured it was the smartish thing to do.  i didn't experience any side effects at first.  out of the blue, though, 4 or 5 days ago,  the pain in my bones got worse than ever before.  i don't know if it had anything to do with the drug...i've been so reluctant to pop one of the oxy drugs, but it appeared to be the perfect occasion for it. once again i learned that i can't handle narcotics.  i happen to think that nausea is worse than pain...i was in bed moaning and groaning for around 24 hours.  i contacted the doctor, the nurse, the pain specialist and the women on my website and got a lot of ideas for the future.  i guess from now on it's gonna be trial by fire.

during that first night, my cat, ollie, sat next to me.  as he looked into my eyes, i felt the emotions build, imagining that one day i wouldn't be here to take care of him. i told mitchell that this could be the tipping point, the point in which i don't get better. even he was worried.

but during this pain, i had a kind of revelation. when i thought about dying, what arose in me was the desire to forgive, to let go of my resentments, hurt, anger, and leave this world in sweetness and love.  i want the good in goodbye.

as the days went on, i started feeling better, though i'm still not well...i seem to develop a fever in the late afternoons...who knows what the heck its from... even still, i know that i don't want to lose that resolve of forgiveness. when i spoke to my mother the other day, i tried to remain conscious of it...i figure if i can do that with my mother, i just might be on a roll...

it didn't take long before i realized another thing about forgiveness...it's a heck of a lot easier to forgive when you don't have to continue interacting.  if you're on your way out, it's not too hard to be generous and compassionate. why not...no further hurt...it's the actual day to day life where the true practice happens.

i've been watching oprah's goodbye each day, and i see that her intention is to focus on the good in goodbye.  she's making amends where needed and sharing her gratitude for these years of life.  i think so much of our lives are about intention...

and, at least, i have the intention to forgive.

years ago i was in a woman's group and one of the members emailed me a forgiveness meditation.  i saved it although i've barely looked at it in years...i thought this might be a good day to share it.

 

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For anyway that I have caused harm to myself,
knowingly or unknowingly, 
In thought, word or deed,
May I forgive myself
And if I cannot do so in this moment, 
May I be able to forgive myself in the future.

And in thinking about a person that you have recently caused some harm-

For anyway that I have caused harm to you, 
knowingly or unknowingly,
In thought, word or deed,
I ask for your forgiveness.
May you forgive me.
And if you cannot do so in this moment, 
May you be able to in the future.

And in thinking about a person that has caused you some injury
(and for now being careful not to select the biggest pain to start with)

For any way that you caused harm to me, 
knowingly or unknowingly,
In thought, word or deed,
May I forgive you, 
May I allow you, too, to be a student of life, 
and make mistakes.
May I allow you to be fully human.
May I forgive you.
And if I cannot do so in this moment,
May I be able to forgive you in the future.

 

 

 

 

Comments

[lynnie]

Thank you Wave.

[Debora]

i love you.