laughing and crying, you know it's the same release...

i've gone through more moods lately than...i don't know what...potential posts changed like the wind, and i couldn't settle on anything to write.  one of the days i did have a title,"still lazy after all these years",  but i was too lethargic to fill in any content. i played with the idea of just posting a title, but that was a little too much (or, actually, too little).

the other night i was in my usual "what to do" mode, and i had a flash.  i realized that this "what to do" has been around a long time, way before the big "c" gave me a pretty good excuse... other than the occasional project, which i'd get compulsively involved in, making everyone around me nuts, my main impulse is consistent...finish whatever i'm doing so that i can get back to doing nothing.

many years ago, a therapist told me she thought i had dysthymia, a mild ongoing depression.  i didn't take it seriously enough to go on anti depressants, but i never forgot it.  i assumed that my lack of ambition was due to whatever tragic love story i was in at the time. perhaps she was right.

i was telling mitchell about the conversation i had with my sister-in-law on mother's day.  she asked what we were doing and i said "nothing much, we went out for brunch and we're just staying at home".  she said, "just catching up on things, huh?" and i laughed because there was nothing to catch up on.   i was relaying those words to mitchell wondering what regular people do with their time, especially if they're not working, or "pretired" (how's that for a word), and have no kids. he said he didn't know what regular peeps do because he feels basically just like i do.  and that got us laughing.  it's so good to have someone to do nothing with...almost makes you feel like you're doing something.

one of the days i was thinking a lot about karma.  not the kind most people refer to, like "you did good so good happens", etc...i'm talking about the ancestral, family kind of karma, the cosmic caste system. the stuff one never really escapes...like dna... we are what we were given, and hopefully, a little bit more, if we happen to have great ambition or inspiration, or a simple twist of fate.  but, even if we get on a greyhound bus and move to san francisco, the river running through us cannot be stopped.

while i was washing dishes i thought about my father and how he'd go around the house singing "tradition" from fiddler on the roof.  i started singing the tune but changed the word to "addiction"...which is part of the river that runs through me, and may be the next song sung to the tune of that i write...

during jin shin, i was telling deborah about my conversation with mitchell, and asked her what regular people do with their time, and she didn't know either, and then we started to laugh.  and then we couldn't stop laughing. i was laying on the table with my eyes closed,  tears falling like crazy from laughter. she kept her hands on me, except when she had to stop and get more tissues for her watering eyes. it was the best anti depressant ever...i loved my session and laugh  just thinking about it... 

 

Comments

[lynnie]

"pretired", that cracks me up, it's soooooo me! xo