where there's smoke...

we saw "win/win" yesterday and i laughed at how the main character dealt with his stress. he'd buy a pack of cigarettes, take one out, and throw away the rest.  that's pretty close to what i used to do...except that i'd crunch them up before tossing them into the garbage...and then hours later, or maybe the next day, i'd be searching in the trash for the ones i could straighten out and smoke.   

i started smoking at age 14, and continued on and off until i was forty. i was even hypnotised twice to help me quit, but it didn't last long...quitting and starting was my thing...i barely believed i could become a non- smoker- until that last time. 

and even though it's been nearly 15 years since my last puff, i still sometimes dream that i am smoking, that i started again... and always, when i wake up, i'm so glad i didn't.  i still feel a sense of pride that i was able to quit. 

not the best segue, but i had a strange dream last night.  i was hosting a party, and there were people smoking, which was bugging me.  i went to find my old friend debbie. somehow i got lost while searching for her, and the next thing i knew, i was on a guerney which was sort of like an mri tube,  with some guys pushing me...i kept yelling, "where are my friends, where are my friends... i called out "lanie", "debbie", and that woke me up...

i told mitchell about the dream because i felt so sad when i woke up...many of my closest peeps aren't here...mitchell took it seriously...he looked at me in that deep way and said, "i'm here and i'll be here"... and that made it all so much better... 

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[debora]

xo WAVE.