writing this is the only thing i am making myself do today...ever since sunday night i've been down for the count. i thought it was a cold, but it got worse and i called for back-up (antibiotics). i didn't take'em because it seemed like the symptoms were lessening...then they came back with a vengence...coughing, headache, bone pain, etc... i spent quite a bit of time researching brain mets symptoms because i was having them. a pain in one area that just kept throbbing through the day and night...i could point to the exact spot...mitchell thought i was being too reactive, (so what's new) but i know stuff, like around 20% of women with metastatic breast cancer that live long enough will get it in their brain...oh how lovely...live long enough and the mets will prosper...damn....at some point i guess i'll get myself an mri...(reluctant sigh)
so last night i started taking the antibiotics... i'm still sick, although my head in that exact spot isn't hurting as much...and that's something...i've been reading "the emperor of all maladies" a biography of cancer, and man oh man, what a disease i've gotten myself into...
matthew called last night with his latest question..."aunt wave, don't you think that going to school is a waste of childhood"...i asked him why he thought that and he said "school is boring". but when i inquired further, he told me about his science experiments and cool math teacher who puts them in small groups to solve problems, and as it turns out, he even likes gym...i pointed out that this was all exactly the opposite of what he called "boring"...
then he told me he wasn't sure if he wanted to go to passover dinner. i asked why and he said, "you know how people are energetic-getic-getic at parties" (i love the way he said that)... "well i'm tired"...i asked him if he'd been eating a lot of junk food and he said "yeah"...when we spoke more about the dinner, he didn't even seem to know why he didn't want to go... i said, "matthew you're starting to sound like other people instead of your true self... what do you really feel about things"...he seemed to pause at that...maybe he's like me and just needs to talk things out. i just hope he doesn't give up on important stuff just because the people around him have...
the next call was from my sister-in-law. we've become pretty close, sharing our struggles - my health and our little boy's, recently diagnosed with autism...i found myself venting which became a bit of a cry. she was sweet...she wishes she could take away my pain - which is exactly what i wish i could do for her...there's something beautiful about that, don't you think. we just listen to each other and pray for each other, and perhaps that's the best we can do all these miles apart.
oh, i did have a bit of a creative spurt yesterday... i sent an idea to the oprah staff for a goodbye gift for her. i don't know if they'll read it, but i think it's pretty darn great, if i do say so myself...it came from a youtube video i saw yesterday about a virtual chorus of over 2000 people from around the world. a composer wrote a song, sent it out in an email with the youtube link, and asked for people to send in video submissions of them singing it. brilliant editor(s) put it together and it was absolutely beautiful. and that's the principle behind my idea for oprah, whose show is ending after 25 years. she always loved the song by luther vandross "power of love" and i thought they could put the song out to her audience, asking them to send in their videos, and then put together that for her finale...i can actually visualize the whole thing...
and that's pretty much all, folks. i'm now going to pull up the blankets and read all about the "emperor"...
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