i am a flawed human being. i am reactive and not always fair. my intentions are usually pretty good to begin with, but if things don't go my way, my anger is a force i can't always reckon with. during therapy today, i delved into my feelings about my brother and the underlying intentions that oozed out in my post yesterday...i wanted to embarrass and hurt him. i wanted to shake him.
i stirred up a lot of stuff by what i wrote. more anger, resentment, and worry...not qualities that i aspire to in life, and not what i want to give to my family...
in all fairness, i don't for sure if anyone is being abused. i implied it, and i'm sorry that i did without truly knowing. i do believe that if a child says no to a grownup about any kind of physical touch, tickle, or wrestle, he should be respected. parents should listen carefully to their kids about stuff like that...
i feel such love for my nephew that i wish i could protect him from any harm. that's not how life works. if i was a parent, perhaps i would already know that...each of us must grow and work with whatever we are given in this life.
it's a tricky situation to be open and share my feelings in this forum. i know that people in my family read these posts, and i don't always know what to add, or what to omit. when i first began writing, i wanted to tell the tale of my life before i died...something to stay, after i went... and my life, as it is, has a lot to do with how i grew up, so i write about that.
many of the things that made it difficult for me, appear to be repeating in this new generation. this makes me very sad, and sometimes my sadness turns into anger. that's when i lose my balance...and that's what i did yesterday. my brother said that i am sitting on a perch and judging him...and he was right.
during his cancer battle, we had many talks about the problems that were created by how we were raised. i got my hopes up that if he got well, he'd start over. i was far too attached to that. i know he loves his children, but just like many of us, the connection between what is important and what we do about it is not always clear. if i was a more realized person, i wouldn't be so angry, or reactive, just kinder and more compassionate in these situations... i have a lot to work on.
this judgmental mind is definitely my achilles heel.
so, upon reflection, i want to say i'm sorry to my family for having caused more pain through my words and judgements. i will try to do better in the time to come.
Well, the truth hurts, but it has to be said, and I for one am glad you did. I hope it does some good in the long run.
Posted by: Lynnie | March 22, 2011 at 10:11 PM