maybe it was the moon that kept me awake. it hasn't been that close since i was 36...but more likely it had to do with matthew's call. he was so excited to tell me that daddy found a house they could live in. matthew was going to have his own room for the first time, and he already designed the outside and the inside of the house. he saw it that day and he loves it. he was on grandma's internet looking for the kind of flowers he'd plant on each side of the steps going into the house, just like uncle mitchell does in california. he was looking for free adoptions of birds because he always wanted one. then he told me to hold on while he ran to get the paper that had the lists and the drawings of everything that would be in his room. he explained each aspect; next to the bed, will be a basket that holds pencils, books, lined paper, and homework. and the toys would be next to that. and a computer desk for when daddy bought him a computer...and a couch with a lamp and a table so that he can sit and read or watch television. he was overjoyed...
during his time here, he hardly ever let on how worried he was about not having a place to live...but once in the middle of the night, he called out to me and he was crying...he had a nightmare that his family died, and grandma left for europe...his tears brought my tears and i said, "everybody is alive now, sweetheart, and we all love you"...i couldn't promise anything else (except that grandma wasn't going to europe)...then he came to sleep next to me...i cried silently just wishing and praying for his happy, safe life...
during this phone call last night, i couldn't help but think that it was just a matter of time before the disappointments begin. before daddy would say that they have to move again because daddy spent all the money...his father hasn't changed, nor has his mother...so, we all know that its just a matter of time...
i began wondering how much it takes to kill a child's spirit. this little one still has his, after years of broken promises, secrets, lies and neglect. he is filled with so much hope and love, but he's just eleven...
but this is today, and matthew is staying with grandma, in her studio apartment until he moves...and he's happy and safe with grandma...so i prayed last night that my mother will live a long time, until he is a grownup, until he can find his own way.
one night when he was here, he asked me if i thought there was a god. i asked him what he thought before i answered. he said, "i don't think so because bad things happen and children die"...then he asked me what i think happens after people die, so i asked him what he thought about that. he said, "people turn into animals"...and when i questioned how he knew that, he said he was pretty sure. he was gonna become a bird, the kind that stays with the family so he can always see them...
i wanted to say something about the time when aunt wave wouldn't be here anymore, but i couldn't. i wanted to tell him that i'll be in all the birds, so that everytime he sees one, it will be me watching out for him and loving him...
and i laid here last night and thought about fate and destiny and spirit...and the many people who have become incredible adults despite their childhood, and it gave me hope that he would be one of them...that he'd continue to plant flowers and dream with the same level of hope and enthusiasm he feels now.
Oh Wave, my heart aches for your nephew. I will pray that 'this time' will last longer than 'last time.' He deserves a good life.
Posted by: Lynnie | March 20, 2011 at 04:26 PM