i have plenty of good things to read, but i've generally been choosing to watch the television, the computer screen, or the new telephone game...
yesterday was the mri and it was the longest ever. i was in the tube almost 3 hours. usually it's a bit less than two, but this time, my hip was added to the whole spine. it was a real mental/physical test...
i did my usual things to get me through the scan...prayers, thoughts, breathing, singing in my mind... i tried to make a connection with the mri guy when i saw him...i told him up front that i have claustrophobia, admitted to being high maintenance...i asked him to put the needle in my vein right before the contrast, instead of before the early part of the scan begins...i asked that he give me a heads up about how long each part will last...and as always, i asked for the panic button...each scan comes with the hope that the person is receptive and kind, and that things will go smoothly...
this time the guy took a long time between each set up...so long, that i started worrying if he was still there. i pressed the button and asked if everything was alright, and he answered with an annoyed "yes". at that moment i told myself that i didn't want to go to the scans alone anymore...we're behind a big door and if something happened to the tech guy, what would happen to me...i tried not to think about that too much...i never want to bother anyone to come with me because it takes so long, but there is comfort in having someone you know, know that you are in the tube...
anyway, this scan kept going...at one point a few hours in, i pressed the button to ask how much longer, and a woman's voice told me to relax...the shift had changed and the guy i tried to manipulate into being kind was no longer there. the new person was talking over me, so she couldn't hear what i was saying. she kept telling me that it was gonna take more time...i found myself going down the path of freaking out...i was just a step away from telling her to take me out of there and ending the scan...but that wouldn't have helped...i calmed myself down and waited until it was over...afterwards she asked me why they scheduled all that in one session... she advised me to never do that again...she said even the radiologist asked why we were doing everything at once...he said it was too much for anyone to handle that long in the tube...
when i was walking to my car, i called mitchell. he didn't answer and i was angry and left a message, that "of course you're not there"...before i got home i stopped at the berkeley bowl for choclate ice cream, hot fudge and whipped cream...i knew i was going to do something bad, and that sounded like the best bad that i could do...i walked into the house and started yelling about how nothing was right. the iron was still out and one of the bulbs in the light fixture wasn't changed...and the cats weren't fed...
i told mitchell that i was making a hot fudge sundae and i didn't want him to say anything about it, and in fact, i didn't even want him in the kitchen...
it took awhile until i calmed down...of course it wasn't fair to blame mitchell, and i went out to the living room and apologized. i told him that i was so frustrated in the tube that i felt violent by the time i was out...(and that's not even including the waiting and whatever the result might mean)...
the sundae was very satisfying, but i knew i'd pay a price. i had no doubt... chemo and ice cream and contrast do not make for an easy stomach, and within a few hours i began what would be a long bathroom session..
i've told you about tom, my 86 year old friend who sends me buddhist magazines every month or so since my diagnosis...well, i hadn't thanked him yet for the recent ones. i always wait until i've gotten something helpful from reading that i could share with him...i just haven't been doing much reading lately...
but i had lots of time, so i picked up the shambhala sun and saw the article by pema chodron called "smile at fear"...and at some point there, between the cramps and the moans, i smiled too...i had a moment when i was completely aware of the silver lining that came from the ice cream sundae consequence...i had the time and inclination to remember some important things and to smile at my fears...
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