wavesworld

a side of mitchell...

mitchell cooked the thanksgiving meal for about 70 people at his agency. they presented him with a big "thank you mitchell" card, which had a beautiful drawing on the front, and words of appreciation inside. the card was about 3 foot high.  when he came home from work i was facebooking and he told me to stop immediately. he got in the bed with the card and read and pointed to every entry. after each compliment and thank you, he gave me the stare...the stare that means "see how other people appreciate me?"...which also means, "see how you don't appreciate me"...this is one of his ongoing themes, especially with me, which is a combo of a joke and not a joke...he's even gone so far as to have someone from his work, (a member with serious mental illness) call me on the phone in the middle of the day, and tell me what a great cook mitchell is and how nice he is to everyone. what was i supposed to say. i was in shock. once he brought home an "affidavit" signed by the members, all agreeing on the terrific-ness of mitchell. 

this time, when i apparently didn't respond adequately to the card, he said that perhaps he needed to take a video camera to work to prove it all to me.  i asked him how he thought people with serious mental problems would take to having a camera taping them...he said they would do it for him if he explained the problem...in my attempt to step in the right direction, i hung up the card on the wall across from where i sleep, so i would wake up to it everyday... (and frankly, see it all day too, based on the bed time i've been putting in)...

later that evening, mitchell's mother and i were involved in a serious phone conversation when mitchell called out from the other room, asking if it was his mother on the phone.  when i said yes, he said, "good", then he came in,  took down the card from the wall and tossed it onto the bed...then he shut the bedroom door before i had a chance to say anything. so, what could i do...i read each entry to her, adding a slight change in my voice to represent each person writing... we were getting hysterical...i told her about the camera idea and the phone call and the affidavits, and we were howling... mitchell opened the door to the room (he'd been standing right outside listening)...and said, "maybe i didn't get enough positive reinforcement when i was a kid"...and he ran out again...esther and i could barely catch our breath.

thanksgiving days...

i've got some time before our people come for dinner, and i've been thinking about some of my memorable thanksgivings. 

ten years ago today -  lynne invited me to spend thanksgiving weekend in big bear. i was never more excited to go anywhere.  jim carrey rented a house on the lake...when we arrived renee zellweger was in the kitchen, sweet and cute as a button, and her brother drew was watching football... jim's daughter jane was there, i think she was around 10 at the time, and phil roy (a singer/songwriter whose music i love) and his girl friend, whose name i can't remember right now, were all there. jim and phil were in the hot tub when we arrived.  i knew jim from the andy movie, and we had even spent a whole night talking once at the st regis hotel in new york with bob zmuda, when lynnie wasn't feeling well and went to her room...since i've always had a serious case of celebrity-itis (as mitchell calls it), i couldn't have been more thrilled to spend thanksgiving with these folks. mitchell and i were in the midst of a break up at the time, and it was the perfect antedote for what i was going through.  jim and renee had recently fallen in love, and that was the vibe in general. everyone was happy to be together.  phil was the chef, and everything we could want was available.  there was even a book of things you could ask for if you wanted to, just by picking up the phone...but nobody did.  that night we watched the first cut of the movie "me, myself, and irene"...(the film jim and renee met on)...peter farrelly, the director and his wife came over for a few hours to show it .  i remember renee laughing uncomfortably, jim, totally enthralled with his work, and me, psyched, but ultimately disappointed at how terrible the movie was. it didn't matter much though, i just kept thinking, wow, i'm watching a movie with the stars and the director...i also remember standing around in the kitchen listening to them talk about the people they knew.  peter farrelly was saying how dangerous a risk taker jfk junior was, and how he almost got his girlfriend killed in a scuba diving mistake, and that arnold schwartzenegger had such a lousy sense of humor. renee talked about meeting yoko ono, and how little she was, and how her nails were all bitten off...we played beatles music that night and everyone was dancing around.  drew was on top of the furniture playing air guitar, and jim and i doing a jitterbug...phil's cd was playing during dinner, and at one point he sang the lyrics in my ear, it was like stereo...and late that night i spent hours being sort of an interviewer (my true love career choice)...asking jim and renee all about their falling in love, which they were happy to talk about...i knew that no actual interviewer would ever get to hear the real scoop like i did that night.   

9 years ago - it happened again. thanksgiving at big bear.  this time renee brought her best friend, jennie lou, her assistant/friend, and her assistant's boyfriend, an actor.  drew and jane were there too, but not phil.  when we arrived renee was out grocery shopping, cause this time we were gonna have a real southern thanksgiving.  at first when i met her friends, i felt totally insecure.  they were all blonde and beautiful, and i didn't know if i would be comfortable in the scene.  i thought it was funny that they bought home a bunch of lottery tickets.  what did they need to win?  that weekend jim was king of the movie world, because the grinch was breaking every kind of record.  he kept calling his person to find out about the numbers.  renee had recently finished bridget jones diary, and had lost all the weight and more...somehow, the two didn't seem quite as in love that weekend.  once we began cooking together, i saw how sweet jennie lou was, and how funny the other girl was (i'm forgetting her name), and everything loosened up.  we had a ball. that night jenny lou,(she's an artist), taught us all to do these cool paintings of each other, the catch was that you couldn't look at the paper when painting.  she did one of me, i did one of jim, and they all turned out kind of beautiful...i loved that we all did arts and crafts together like little kids.  one of the nights we decided to leave the house and go ice skating. someone called ahead so that the rink would be opened just for us. (yup, that's how they do it)... i drove in the big black car with jim, renee, jane and drew, and lynne was in car in back with the other folks. if you know big bear, you know it's a really curvy road, and if you know me, you know how i hate curvy roads (carsickness)...and jim was lost, so we were back and forth on that road...i started feeling sick, and the thought of throwing up in that fancy car with those people...oy...but renee gave me the front seat, which was a big help...it was dark and jim was driving kind of fast, and he was joking around about having a heart attack from laughing so much, and i started imagining the accident...going right over a cliff... i knew what the paper would say "jim carrey, renee zellweger, and two members of their family, dead"...i wouldn't have even gotten a mention...eventually we turned around and went back to the house. that night jim and i stayed up talking until dawn.  i remember him telling me about the part of him that wanted to give up everything and move to vermont, and live a monk's life.  apparently, that never caught on.  for thanksgiving dinner, the director tom shadyac came over. jane started a paper going around about what each person was thankful for...and we'd all have to guess who wrote it...i didn't quite get the creative aspect of this, so i wrote something like "i'm grateful for my health and my family"...everyone else wrote something funny...i felt so unhollywood, and not in a good way...but i did redeem myself comic-ly by teaching them all "spoons" and the "this is a what" game. it was a riot. i also have a sweet memory of us downstairs in the pool room, singing "i will"... before we left that sunday, i gave tarot readings to jim and renee, and the actor boyfriend, and i wondered if there'd be another thanksgiving at big bear. things were kind of shaky with renee and jim...there wasn't.

five years ago, thanksgiving came only a few weeks after the mets diagnosis.  none of us knew how much time i had left, but it didn't look good.  we took a lot of pictures that day.  there were tears (marigrace was there) and laughter, and sentimentality, and a lot of memories were shared. mitchell made a toast, wishing that we'd all be together again next thanksgiving...and we were...

one year ago, we decided to fly to new york for thanksgiving with mitchell's family. as we sat at the table, one person made a gratitude toast and then chose the next person to speak...betsy's sister-in-law just finished breast cancer treatment, and there were a lot of grateful words and tears from her kids and her husband. and esther had just started getting better from her own medical crisis, and irv got pretty choked up when he said what he was thankful for...and mitchell's toast, wishing that we'd all be here for next thanksgiving...and we are.

to be continued... 

pics from 9 years ago...

  
 
 

 

i'm telling...

tells...that's what they call it in poker...according to wikipedia, "tells are a subtle but detectable change in a player's behavior or demeanor that gives clues to the players assessment of his hand." but this isn't just a poker thing...there are so many ways our tells show whether we are being honest or not...it just takes some time and serious attention paying to figure it out. for example, it took me a long time, around 40 years, to finally get one of my mother's tells. but once i got it, i got it...and now i'll tell you...when i ask her a question that she doesn't want to answer honestly, she always says the same thing, "wha?"  not "what", mind you, but "wha?"  (with the ah sound extended)...it's actually a pretty smart way to give yourself some extra thinking time, if you think about it, because the other person ends up repeating the question...i don't think it's something she's conscious of, just a reflex at this point...but since i'm onto "wha?" - i'm prepared for what comes next, which will probably not be true, or at least not a whole truth...and as strange as it sounds, it can be somewhat entertaining, depending on my mood...

normally, you wouldn't tell about tells...that's like giving away a magic secret...but for some reason, i'm feeling very andy rooney today and i'm telling...i remember a lawyer telling me to never say anything like, "to be honest" or, "to tell you the truth" in a deposition, because that tends to mean that you're lying...hmmm, well, to tell you the truth, i never thought of it like that.  and to be totally honest, i'm not really sure what my tells are...but even if i did know, i don't think i'd tell...

flu's blues...

i don't know if its THE flu, or just a run o' the mill one, but i got it...i tried every hand washing and prevention technique i could, but it was like an obstacle course around here. everybody is sniffling, or coughing or feeling lousy...and now its my turn.  i've been in bed,  in and out of sleep for a couple of days.  last night i watched the hbo documentary "china's stolen children"...and i can tell you, don't watch it...not if you want to be able to go along in your life - la de da-ish...it is devastating...first of all, the poor in china are so poor, and everything works against them, especially their government...and their children are being stolen - thousands and thousands of children, stolen and sold...enough said.  i went on line this morning to see what i could do, because i can't bare the thought of doing nothing...seeing the parents and grandparents praying so hard and crying so hard to a god that hasn't answered...just too much suffering for the peeps...

of course, that put the flu and the cancer, and any money stuff, in perspective.  there's so much hell and just a little heaven on earth that one can experience, and based on the overall, my time here has been pretty good. that's not to say that i wasn't thoroughly depressed upon getting sick again.  each time, i go through the same thoughts of  "why prolong this situation" ...a friend once told me that her worst nightmare would be to have a long term degenerative illness...(i believe i resemble that remark)...but when she said it, i thought, oh, that's not the worst thing...and it sure isn't...but after five years of ups and downs, (mostly downs - physically) i understand...when you feel sick all the time, you lose perspective...still, when i look outside my little life, i know things could be much worse.

heavenly peace...

while driving through the tunnel on my way home, a stevie nicks version of "silent night" was playing on the radio...i was already thinking about the girls i spent the day with, and the dark tunnel and the song seemed so fitting.  after the school presentation we were driving around looking for the perfect breakfast spot...i was listening to the girls while they discussed their theories about the end of the world. two of them have been having nightmares about it...perhaps it has to do with the movie trailer for 2012... they were quoting what the bible says, and what jesus said, and all about the anti christ (who they heard might be obama)...and plenty talk of hell...i didn't say much, except that i thought a lot of people seem to go through hell here on earth...and that i wouldn't want to believe in a mean god, who would put people through more hell after they died...

in the restaurant, one girl was talking about how uncomfortable she was around men.  she said that her ex-stepfather molested her from age 7-12...her story was so graphic, painful and scary, that even just hearing about it made me incredibly angry and so sad for her.  i told her how sorry i was...and how she didn't deserve to be treated like that...one of the other girls, who lives in foster care, opened up about her rape (also a "family" member)...which got the third girl sharing her experience...her first time with sex was being forced and hit by her "boyfriend"...she said, that at the time (she was 13) she thought maybe it was normal - just how things are when you have a boyfriend.

i've been working with girls for so many years, and this aspect never seems to change much...it's a real heartbreaker, and there's a lifetime of work, just trying to untangle the knot...

so, on my way home, hearing that line in the song...i wished, as i always have, that all children, when they went to bed at night, could sleep in heavenly peace...

some things need to be believed to be seen...

those were the words coming from the radio when i turned it on. i don't know what the guy was talking about but i latched on to the concept...my original plan was to go and see amma today for a much needed saintly hug and connection...but during what became a nearly never ending bubble bath, the idea of driving to castro valley, and being with thousands of people started feeling like too much...so i missed amma...next time, for sure...i hope...

there are things i really should not know...and perhaps i wouldn't under other circumstances...for instance...now i know that there's always a "law and order" on television...on the hour, every hour...and since i never really watched the show before, it's opened up a whole new world of who done it crime for me...and lately, it's become one of my go to things to do (i guess "do" is overstating it)...it seems to me that theres a lot of special victim ones.  i guess that's what the peeps like the best. i like the courtroom scenes better.

this morning i went on facebook and there was a message on my wall from a guy i just be-freinded a couple of days ago from the island...it said something about how my ass looked good on the video, and i couldn't imagine what the heck he meant...(let alone the difficulty in my imagining that my butt looked good)...but i was curious about what island video he was talking about...so i clicked on it, and it was a porn thing...i got kind of freaked out because, like i said, i haven't talked to this guy in 30 years. i remembered him as very cool, but he could have become anything...and this was so creepy...i immediately de-friended him (which, if you don't mind me saying, is the better word than the choice the oxford dictionary made for word of the year, "unfriend"...i believe befriending and defriending sounds and fits much better,  but that's just me)....anyway, later on i read a message from  another island facebook guy. he wrote a whole piece about this worm virus going around, and told us that it was not at all posted by the friend i had de-friended...just another website virus trick...i do jump to conclusions way too quickly. the poor guy must've been so embarrassed, having this sent out to so many people he once knew...one time facebook sent some of my "friends" a "kick in the groin, from wave"...this was so upsetting to me. i wrote to each person letting them know that i would never kick them, period...virtually or any other way. i felt so much anxiety from that situation, and i considered ending my relationship with facebook...but i didn't. nothing comes without some cost, i guess...but if any of you ever receive something creepy from me, i hope you will know that it wasn't from the real me...

an island review from way back when...

the brunch bunch and a little update...

it feels like a long time between posts. i'm pretty sure it's because i'm so wrapped up in the island facebook phenomenon...what a rolling snowball this has become. hundreds of photos and comments, requests for renewed friendships , and the most fascinating past and present stories...new ones and new peeps everyday...and yesterday was the brunch. it was a trip to open the door and see people i haven't seen in 30 years...as usual i was neurotic beforehand (nothing new about that)...i was dealing with my insecurity about what the years have done to my once young and thin being. i was talking to anjuli during our last session about it, and how people will see me 30 years older, and she said, "they're 30 years older too wave", (i hadn't put that together)...and then she said something else that resonated..."you're god's love in a human body"...and everytime i looked in the mirror that morning that's what i said to myself...i know it sounds corny, but bottom line, i believe it's true. (or at least something very similar to that)... this got me thinking about pema chodron. she would not be known for her fashion, youth, or pretty face, but i'm completely sure that everyone that meets her, reads her books, or sits with her in meditation, finds her beautiful...there's no denying that kind of beauty... given the chance, (which we all actually have) i'd like to be more like pema chodron...anyway, everyone at the brunch was incredibly kind to each other. of course we all knew we had aged, but the vibe was young and happy and as sweet as pie.  even dennis peron, the bigger than life character who started island (the one i thought was my guru back then) showed up...fun fun fun...

and here's the little health update...which is not really much of an update...i saw the oncologist today. i had my list of questions and symptoms, which by the way, subsided about 3 days ago...hmmm...first of all, what a pleasant experience to not have to wait for hours to be seen. i sure won't miss the clinic setting.  secondly, the guy sat down and listened, and there wasn't any go between assistant... and i didn't feel the need for speed so that he could get back to his other patients.  okay, so i gained 5 pounds since starting the drug, but the upshot is that we  won't know if the aromasin is working or not until my mri in december. as he said,  the scan may look the same, but as long as the lesions haven't grown, he'd keep me on the drug.  even if those weird symptoms mean that the cancer has spread elsewhere, he still wouldn't change treatment until we see the pictures...not really much to report back, but i liked his style.  and we'll see...i definitely felt better this week than last so that's something...

here's some pics of the brunch bunch...

 

 

 

just find someone who's turning, and you will come around...

boone sent me a cd of neil young live in 1971 and it is incredible.  all acoustic and one of the best live cd's ever...i can't get enough of it... i could write a book and say everything about everything just using the lyrics of my favorite musicians...

and by the way, we could use a new spin on "misery loves company"...it's not really the misery that we love, just the sharing and empathy that comes along with it.  the other night i was on the phone with an island facebook friend... yup, we made the leap to calling...we were joking and being serious about our various health issues...and before we hung up, i was feeling better...

so i was sort of on the mend, when i was shaken up by a symptom (i'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say there was blood). i called out for mitchell, and he came right away, saw the blood, and then he just hugged me...that's it, he just kept hugging me.  after awhile i calmed down, the adrenaline left, and he calmed down, and we went to sleep. my lab results weren''t great, one of the tumor markers more than doubled...that's not a good sign, but we'll see what it all means. my appointment with the oncologist is monday, so i'm sure he'll send me in the right direction.

this all got me thinking about how mitchell is like a human cane for me (god he would cringe if he knew i was writing this)...a humane cane...(but sure ain't no sugar cane)...i lean on him when i'm wobbly, grab his hand when i'm afraid, and i call out to him in the morning before i even get up...my cane...

today i feel mostly better. i don't know why, but i'm glad to be able to say it...and i'm excited and preparing for the big weekend...the island brunch and my long lost friend, on her way here. 

"i'll let you know when you can go"...

i've been sick lately, seems like for days...or maybe longer, i don't remember...it's like i have a flu in my body, but i don't actually have the flu.  i ache from head to toe.  i still don't know if it's the medication or the cancer, but it was all i could do to get myself over to the lab to have my blood drawn. maybe i'll find out something from the results.  i did an errand or two and then i dove right back into the bed... when mitchell came home from work he got in with me.  he told me how tired he was, and then he looked at me...actually it was more of a glare...not the first glare either...if you know mitchell, you know that he's always partly joking and partly serious...and it's not always easy to read what is what.

i told him that if it turns out to be the drug that's making me sick, i'm going off it.  he said "no way"...and that he'd tell me when i can get off the drug...then i told him that i'd rather leave the planet then feel so lousy everyday. that didn't go over well either...he told me that he needed me for the calendar next year, and he had new business ideas that he needed me to implement.  "oh, so that's the big deal, i should stay around for the calendar business"...and he said, "yes, i'll let you know when you can go"...

my latest ritual is to tape "brothers and sisters" on sunday and watch it monday morning with my breakfast. (now that i'm not on my way to work)  i never tuned into the show until this year, but i love it now.   and the calista flockhart character has the same kind of cancer that my brother does, which adds to the whole experience.  today i found myself a little jealous of the family portrayed in the show...i wish i had a sister, and a family that could totally surround me when i needed it...ah, we can't all have everything...i know that...don't mind me...just feeling under the weather...