those words started rolling around in my head yesterday after my mri...if there is any control at all, it feels pretty remote to me...as much as i'd like to believe i'm in charge, i'm not... i don't blame myself for cancer bad news or take credit for cancer good news...but i think there's some kind of karmic control factor...i just don't know what it is or how it works...just like the past life thing...what's the point in knowing what i was in another life...and besides, how many people could have been cleopatra, or king tut...doesn't it seem like everyone who remembers their past life was famous in it.
so today, once again, i sit in that weird state and wait...and weight...more hot fudge over ice cream...its after 6 now, so i probably won't know until monday...ugh...it doesn't matter how many times i do it, it just doesn't get easy...maybe slightly easier, but never easy. my heart still jumps to my throat when the phone rings... part of me doesn't even want to post until i know for sure, but i think i need to write, to pass time, so forgive me for taking you along.
a few days ago i took a walk up to shattuck to see "my sister's keeper". i didn't read the book, but i heard the film was a cancer tearjerker, and i was in that kind of mood...wanting my tears to be jerked... on the way, my phone rang and it was a woman i met at jane's hospital bed the day she died...she also has stage 4 - breast to bones, lung and liver...and she's been through the mill. i asked her if she wanted to join me, and she did...we walked around berkeley after the film, commiserating about our lives since cancer... there was a lot to say...we just kept walking...both of us acknowledging how devastatingly different it is for a kid to have cancer...we've had lots of life, falling in love, getting our hearts broken, falling in love again, having careers, and plenty of choices...nothing like what a child and their family goes through...
such remote control...
Comments