my mission if i choose to accept it: make death sentence into paragraph - oy...
these last few days have been tough...the hoit...the pain, lots of pain, and the insomnia - damn the insomnia...the problem with this new treatment pill is that i felt way better before i began taking it...the pain is on my right side, from my back all the way down my leg...each movement gets its own "ow"...last night i took more pain meds than i have in years...it gets worse as the day goes on (that's how bone metastates works its magic)...i seriously considered stopping the tamoxifen, and i may still go that route, but for today i'm going to hang in there and take the pill...i am quite the reactive type dontcha think...deborah went with me to see my new potential oncologist...unfortunately uc didn't fax him any of the stuff they promised they would... so it wasn't the most beneficial meeting...and i didn't feel any personal connection with him, but does that really matter anyway. he was young, chinese, and very smart...the one i go to now is my age, italian and very smart...and quite relatable, but she's never there...i think i'm going to change doctors...there's a big difference in her clinic setting and his private practice...i didn't wait, and i dealt directly with him, not a nurse practitioner...
i've been having weird dreams when i do fall asleep...i've been visited by people from the "other side" a lot in the past week...my father, a woman in my cancer group, and my old best friend mark...does that mean i'm on my way out...ever since i was a kid i dreamt of people that were already dead...but its sure been busy for those other siders lately...i guess we'll just have to take a wait and see approach (i'll wait and you'll see)...right now i'm still in bed...ten am...my little kitties are in each other's arms (okay, paws)....and i may just stay here for awhile...
last night at 1am i was searching for broadway karaoke cds (well,weren't you)...i was told that my little nephews know every word from "rent" so i was looking for a way they could prove it. we've got so much planned for the boys... just hearing them on the telephone yesterday calling me "aunt wave" and asking all about san francisco was so cute...and their little voices - so sweet...i barely have contact with any of my ten nieces and nephews...its strange to not know the human beings that came from my little brothers...that's one of the sad aspects of living a life so separate from family. anyway i found "rent" and even threw in "high school musical" because thats a big one, right?
last night i had a long talk with my brother, the one whose kids are coming...i think its the best one we've ever had...the most open and honest...there were years when we didn't speak...this time was different...we talked about bad choices versus bad luck...and how money wasn't his number one problem... he and i grew up with the same parents, but by the time i left home, things were pretty bad, and he was just a little kid...he had it much harder...it shaped his whole life... we all have the gambling curse, but he took addiction to another level...and now, through the years of burned bridges, denial, and choices that hurt everyone, especially himself, his life is in shambles...but there was something in the conversation that gave me hope, and maybe gave him hope too...the thing about reputation, i told him from experience, is that it takes time to change it... time and really hard work - but it can change...bridges can be rebuilt...when people that love you see you really trying - they are more willing to help...but it takes a lot of time and energy...no shortcuts...i don't want to believe that anyone is hopeless...especially my brother...not as long as there's a new day...he has to start at zero, tho' and take careful steps in the right direction...here's hoping and praying he will, and that the universe aids him in that unfolding...