wavesworld

weekend whirl

i can't prove it definitively, but every time i clean my house, people come - almost immediately. in fact, it's happened so often that i know once everything is neat and clean, its time to pick up some food because peeps are on their way.  we didn't even know "la" (also known as larry) was coming from l.a. but he drove up to bring a few art pieces to a gallery in sf (see pics in last post).  then toby came by friday night to hang out too. on saturday frank and i planned another of our karaoke playdates...but he's friends with "la" too, so it became a bigger group thing...just me and the guys...frank, gerry, larry, and mitchell... all singing, eating and laughing hysterically (okay the hysteria was mine but everyone else was laughing pretty hard)...larry wasn't used to the whole karaoke thing, but every so often we'd throw him a microphone and he'd go along with it.  mostly he took pics, which to my chagrin, turned out to be video pics. when he showed me a few minutes of what he filmed late last night, you could see that he fell asleep at the camera...okay, he was tired from his recent intense work, but who falls asleep in the middle of a shoot...someone would be singing and all of a sudden the video image would drop to the floor.  

what cracked me up the most last night wasn't captured by any camera...it was frank doing his unique version of beat box on the microphone...priceless...

now that i'm in the insomnia portion of my life, i was up so late that i'm still in my pj's this afternoon. i skipped the precious few hours that i normally wear regular clothes...and even when joan and michelle stopped by to show us their new electric bikes i had very little shame.  i put on a sweater and went for a ride around the block in those very pajamas. i moved fast enough to think that no one would notice. 

our artist in residence this weekend.................larrylubow.com

l

letting sleeping cats lie

leap of faith

i sent lanie this video link, because it made me laugh out loud - more than once. i've already sent it to all you facebooking friends, so skip it if you've seen it.  point being:

http://www.elwp.com/Joe Cocker.html

i love word plays and this particular brand of silliness......instead of just watching the darn thing, lanie made the long distance call to ask me how long it is...she didn't want to waste her time...(4 minutes of time)....that's lanie for you...once i sent her link i found beautiful, of the lion and his caretaker's reunion... (i can't remember if i've posted it before but in the improbable chance that you haven't seen it) -  

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HjWtRYaxmWM

but she wouldn't look at it...not until it passed a series of tests...questions that i had to answer correctly..."will it depress me,  is it violent, because i hate violence, is there blood involved...because i don't like stuff like that"... i said lanie, "can't you just trust me, i wouldn't send you anything bloody or violent, it's a sweet story about an animal", "is it gonna make me sad? ...so i gave up, i said, "forget it lanie, don't watch it"...that's when she decided to take a leap of faith...later she passed it on to all her friends...

"if you don't like gay marriage, don't marry a gay person"

those are whoopi goldberg's words and i agree.  i do believe change is gonna come...i'm just sorry its taking so long... liberty and justice for all...up with civil rights...and yay for love - the higher law...  

positively annoying...or is it me

i was thinking about the "be positive" and "stay positive" advice i hear so often...even tho i am more half full than half empty by nature, i don't want to fake it when the glass really is empty. i used to hate it when i'd walk down the street and some guy would tell me to smile (perhaps i'd feel differently now since no guy's said anything other than "can you spare a quarter" or "do you know if the bus stops here" in a long time). the thing is, i have nothing against positivity, i like hope and smiles and optimism as much as the next guy...but when it feels forced, it bugs me. 

this got me remembering the time an old friend of mitchell's visited years ago. i'd never met him, but i knew from stories that he was a lot of fun, and he had a nickname that only boys give to each other...his parents were holocaust survivors and i was curious about that because i was in school for psychology and busy diagnosing myself and everyone else, plus i was interested in all things holocaust....anyway, mitchell and he met when they were kids at "camp fuller by the sea", a summer sleep-away camp...(every so often, mitchell will sing me the camp's theme song, complete with hand motions to the lyrics)...from their teen age years into their twenties they were both devoted deadheads...as time went by they lost contact...until he was coming to sf on business...the bell rang hours earlier than he was supposed to arrive, and mitchell wasn't home yet, so it was just him and i. he was charming and good natured, just as i expected.  but little by little i noticed that everything he said, and the way he perceived the world was always super-duper positive...i don't want to come off as a grouch, but his point of view, from my point of view, felt pressured and forced. i started feeling tired from it.  i didn't want to be inhospitable, so i just listened and smiled, all the while hoping mitchell would get home...at one point he was telling me something about mitchell's father that i knew wasn't accurate, and i said with obvious sarcasm "wow, you really see everything as positive, don't you?"...he gave me a big ole happy smile and said "thank you". 

he was really committed to his way of seeing and being...and why not...it makes sense to me now... perhaps that's how he had to see, in order to counteract what his parents saw...or maybe he found the key to his happiness. 

here he is...and was

last night mitchell's friend sam, the cook who supervised the whole dalai lama lunch, came over and made dinner for mitchell, martina, and i.  it was like having alice waters cook here.  incredibly delicious, and beautifully done...and he read a rumi poem before we began eating. 

after dinner i was washing a few dishes when i started feeling pain and weird sensations on the left side of my body.  it made me anxious and afraid.  i'm very reactive, especially when anything unusual happens. i wondered if i should start on the drug i have waiting in the drawer...if i was alone and it was earlier i would've called lanie for a focusing session...i know that decisions made in fear are not the best ones and i felt at a loss.  i didn't want to ruin the evening so i stayed out in the kitchen for awhile...but when martina asked me what was going on, i sat down and told her. sam joined in and they both listened so intently that it calmed me down. i decided to throw the i ching.  i went into my room and focused on this question - what is the best way for me to proceed right now.  after reading the wise words in the hexagram, i decided to take a wait and see approach.  so far it hasn't gotten any worse (knock wood) but i'm definitely paying close attention...our guests never skipped a beat...that was very comforting to me...and the rest of the night was really fine...sam brought over a cd with all the dalai lama pictures. (i put up a few more on the "wonder of wonder" post)...you may recognize the guy in the baseball hat, but i betcha can't find me...

and today joan and i went back into her studio. we've been talking about doing a duet of "someone to watch over me"...and even tho' i hadn't been to the studio since we finished my birthday cd, i felt totally at home...we began singing as soon as i walked in...what fun... somehow we found our way to "ain't no sunshine" and it sounded so cool... too bad we weren't taping.  next time we're gonna make an mp3 and maybe i can figure out how to post it here.  every once in awhile joanie and i hit magical harmony...it happened today. as joan commented later "it doesn't get any better than that." ...agreed...  

feeling near as faded as my jeans (that i can't even get into)

i hadn't seen toby for a few months so when we met for lunch and she asked me how i was doing i asked her how she thought i looked. its not unlike me to put my friends on the spot - i'm famous for it, but it's definitely more difficult for them to answer honestly than it was years ago.  nobody is even remotely brutal in their analysis - certainly not as brutal as i am... she said i look tired. "more tired than the last time?" i asked. "no, the same amount of tired as last time"...this is about the only thing anyone will commit to, i look tired, and i've put on some weight...i guess if 40 lbs. is some, tired must be the new dead... no matter how much sleep i get, i wake up exhausted and i look it. damn, the cancer has wilted me. my body is working overtime just to get the same pay. hey, no fair... toby offered to go shopping with me.  she is the best shopper around, so i may take her up on it...especially because it doesn't seem like i'll be downsizing any time soon...in fact, i, like an elevator, am going up...

mitchell, matt and dan have had an ongoing skype date this week.  dan is in the middle east so they've set a late night time that works for everyone.  the funny thing is that all they seem to talk about is the fact that they're skyping...with an occasional game score thrown in...anyway, i walked into the office in my pj's (or as mitchell calls it, my uniform) and there was matt on the computer screen, saying "hey, is that you wave"...then mitchell invited me to "come on over and skype with us"...now i ask you, what is the proper protocol here...all i know is what i did instinctively - i backed out of the room in horror (well not actually horror), closed the door quietly behind me, and called out, "no thank you... goodnight you guys".    

random thoughts, kindness, and marching orders

my last few posts have been pretty heavy, so for your sake, i was waiting for lighter inspiration...but alas, i'm still lurking around the world of cancer.  particularly, the story of the 13 year old whose mother doesn't want to go the chemo/radiation route.  this one's a tough call for me, only because supposedly the kid has a 90% chance of recovery if he continues treatment.  if he was an adult, i'd have no issue with any choice...but he's so young and he doesn't want any more chemo so the mom wants to try alternative treatments. now there's a warrant out for her arrest, and she and the boy are on the lam...as i write, the dad is on the tv news pleading for them to come home. they love their kid - that's not in question...but who should be the ultimate decider...i don't know the right answer here, but i hate that anyone has to deal with the question...

i've had some really sweet things happen this week. our program contract manager asked if she could stop by.  i wondered what it was about, and soon found out, it was about me...she brought me a gift...an angel wing with a beautiful note tied around it...wow...what could i  say... it takes one to know one...or much more accurately - it takes a part of one to know a part of one...it really does. 

today was our last presentation of the school year. the girls always get more nervous going into the high schools, where the kids are the same age as them. but it turned out the way it usually does, the audience was completely rapt, and the girls were happy and proud of their work. watching their sense of self and purpose emerge is very fulfilling for me too...

and then today, i opened such a warm and unexpected email from mitchell's sister, betsy.  she recently started reading this blog, and she likes it...yay!...her words were beautiful, and they really lifted me up...made my day...i think betsy is one of the nicest people i've ever met. not only nice, but beautiful, smart, and full of style and grace.  i've been thinking about family a lot lately.  i always wanted to be part of a "normal" type family. when i say normal, i mean solid and stable - the kind you can count on... the kind you feel safe and protected with...that's how i feel with mitchell's side of the family...i can't think of a better sister in law(ish) to have than betsy.   

and...this morning in the chronicle was a feature about religious scholar huston smith, who lives in berkeley and will turn 90 this month.  he's had an amazing life, and counts among his friends, aldous huxley, saul bellow, the dalai lama, and pete seeger.  after all the years of religious studies and practices, this is what he said when asked if he was optimistic about the future.  "i am neither an optimist nor a pessimist.  an optimist says in effect, "don't worry, it's going to turn out all right." a pessimist says, "it's going down the drain, and there's nothing you can do about it," both get us off the hook.  our place is on the hook. whether things turn out for the better depends on what we do.  we ought not spend our time masterminding the future, but recognize our marching orders: to do the best we can for history and the planet. he added, "one of my favorite prayers was written by a nine year old. his mother found it scribbled on a note beside his bed: "dear god, i'm doing the best i can."

and that's what i hope for...doing the best i can with my very own marching orders.

quality of life

last night i watched the documentary about farrah fawcett's life with cancer.  mitchell saw a couple of minutes of it and advised me to skip it. he was concerned that i'd even be more reluctant to go for treatments...but i didn't look away.  it was the rollercoaster ride that bothered me so much. i hate rollercoasters.  she tried all the drugs and surgeries and procedures, took all the transatlantic trips, everything and anything to extend her life...she and her loved ones celebrated each time the doctors gave them hope...but disappointment was always right around the corner.  she has lived longer than her prognosis, but the cost seems so high...i guess she's at the end now, and it made me sad to watch...

of course this had me contemplating my own experience. i feel like i'm between a rock and a hard place. i've been off treatment for almost four months.  i have a variety of symptoms, and don't remember the last time i woke up with ease or felt refreshed. but i still enjoy my life.  i don't know what is next, body wise, and each day feels like a bit of a gamble. (and not the kind i'm prone to enjoy)...on the other hand, i am not experiencing side effects from drugs.  what i feel is the cancer itself.  even at best, with every treatment available, this illness is terminal.  there is no cure. so, do i let my body and the disease take its "natural" course or try to extend it with the many drug offerings and their increasingly toxic side effects...i still tend toward the first option...

after the show i laid on the bed with mitchell and said, "please don't let me go through that"...i told him again what i'm hoping for - a quick and merciful end (a long time from now, if you please)...every time i hear someone's cancer story, i feel renewed gratitude that i'm not alone in this. i have mitchell here...my very own private foot soldier. i know how lonely and afraid i would be without him. somehow he stays in the present with all this... i never feel like he's planning for his life without me (not that there is anything wrong with that).  it's not denial, it's just his way.  mitchell is truly a here and now guy, and i am so glad he is.

what an incredible day we had today.  a hike from green gulch to muir beach...mitchell jumping around in the ocean...it was so very california...

surrounded by beauty...and quality of life.