bullet dodging

i went to the new dentist - since the cold last week i've had a bunch of weird symptoms. (it seems like i'm always saying that)  my cheek felt strange, my lower neck's been weird, my gums ached, lots of vague stuff...the dentist felt something hard inside my cheek but determined that it had nothing to do with teeth.  out of his jurisdiction...he mentioned the possible differential diagnosis,  a blockage in my salivary gland, or something related to you know what...let the adrenaline rush begin. why couldn't it be just a damn cavity.  what a comfort it was when roger came into the office to see me.  i tell you, he touches my cheek and i feel better immediately... the other guy is young, and nice enough, but he isn't roger and i don't feel the connection.  he recommended i go to an oral surgeon for a biopsy.  i don't have dental insurance (it all goes to medical) so that wasn't gonna be my first move...even tho' roger offered to ask a friend of his to work on me pro bono (what a guy)...but i wanted to talk to my oncologist first.  so, i called in the morning, and the nurse practitioner told me to come in...my onc was out of town. after examining me and hearing my symptoms she scheduled an immediate ct scan of my head and neck.  (the head part is always double scary...brain and all that) as the nurse was putting in the iv she said "all of us women are in this together-it could be me"... i got all teary eyed.  more than anything else, kindness gets to me.  that's mostly what makes me cry.  but on the way home i cried too.  my oldest brother called.  i've been trying to coordinate a dinner date with my four brothers, their wives, and my mother during the visit.  in my hopeful fantasy, i saw us all together, remembering good things, happier times, and having a chance to say meaningful things to each other in person, perhaps for the last time.  i haven't spoken to one of my brothers in years, and i didn't want that to be how we leave it...they all live near each other, but there's lots of hard feelings, tension and friction between some of them and some of their wives...i wanted to be naive, to believe that we could all be together in a sweet way. when i was young i was the appointed babysitter.  the outsider.  my four brothers shared a room with double bunk beds.  they were always making forts for their wars, or having tag team wrestling matches.  i had my own room. i was seperate... and when i turned 18 i left, choosing to be the outsider.   my oldest brother called just as i was driving home from the scan.  he said that he wasn't sure he could make it to the dinner.  i haven't seen him in over five years... i didn't plan to cry, but i did.  i told him that i felt closest to him, and things seem to be getting worse for me, and if he couldn't make this one night a priority, then what is the point of family anyway.   it is rare that i ask for anything from my family as i've learned through the years that there's very little they can do for me.  four years ago, my oldest brother was the first relative i called with the news...and he cried. that touched me...i believe they all love me in the way they can, but the whole family thing has been a big disappointment in my life...when i started crying on the phone, i think my brother was shocked, and quickly reassured me that he'd be at the dinner, and he'd make sure everyone else would be too. i was so glad to get home...so drained and wilted from the day. i got into my pajamas first thing, (nothing new about that)...when i went to bring the garbage out, i ran into adam's new girlfriend and we ended up having a really good long conversation...when it got cold and the sun went down she brought out a beautiful shawl and wrapped it around me.  and then mitchell came home with a present and a hug ... mitchell =  family...later that night the nurse practitioner called with the news that the scan looked normal... okay... perhaps i've got a blocked gland...or something...apparently my tear ducts are working just fine...and it looks like i'll be having that dinner in new jersey next week.  

Comments

[michael spokane]

Hi Wave,

Just caught up on several entries. Thinking of you, loving you, missing you. We'll let you know after Kevin's CA interview is scheduled in Jan.--Michael